Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
