he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
