Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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