As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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