she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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