Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize