I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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