Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
