It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
