you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
