I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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