i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
