Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
