You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
