from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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