Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
