I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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