I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
No I am not eating basil off your cock
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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