so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
