Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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