she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
