just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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