there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
