her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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