drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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