my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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