he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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