I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
