How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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