she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
even my farts smell like vagina
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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