I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
