Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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