Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize