think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
