Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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