If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
