dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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