just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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