my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
