Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
