It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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