What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
