she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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