Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
either way he was missing a nipple.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
