I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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