In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
