I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
