Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
