God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
