Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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