having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
