god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
