Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
